Have a lot on my mind... could use some friends...

I could use some friends... Note me if you can tell me what to do about my problem below.

 So the other day I made a post saying something about "The guy I have been dating". He messages me a few hours later and it just says "We need to talk." And after that, "You can't post stuff like that. We aren't dating."

 I think to make you understand how I'm feeling ya'll will need some background...

 I met this guy on a dating app, but we had met in passing once or twice at a gym where our two groups occasionally cross paths. (Long story on that one...) But he messages me saying hey how's it going I think I've seen you at the gym bla bla bla. At the time he sent me this, I was ass over teakettle for this motherfucker who did me wrong (Which is another long story... and if anyone wants to drop me a note, I think it'd be good for me to talk about it...) But anyways, I was all hung up on this asshole who turned out to be a complete waste of time because he had a girlfriend for most of the time I was seeing him. Well, I progressed with this potential guy from the dating app, to Kik, where I decided he was cool and real and gave him my phone number. Well, we chatted there, and then he added me on snapchat by phone number- all cool... we exchanged laughs and funny pictures... well. I was kind of keeping him at arms length, thinking he'd be a good friend or something, but then some shit went down between me and the asshole who I was all hung up on. It was kind of a low point for me. I'd been so hung up on this guy. I told him a few times that we needed to talk about us because I thought he was the shit and I wanted to boyfriend him. But that shit fell like a ton of bricks (Again. Long story for another time. This is about the current man). ANYWAYS... The guy I had been kind of chatting with and I started talking more seriously and I decided what the hell? And asked him one night if he wanted to meet me somewhere for dinner. He said sure and we met up at a sports bar that I like, chatted a bit, ate some food, then went downtown to walk around... I had the best night of my life. He was good looking and charming and sweet. He'd paid for our dinner and held my hand. I'm not naive enough to say I was falling early. The guys before him kind of fucked me up for that. I learned my lesson. We ended up at the city circle and I kissed him. He kissed me back and we ended up staying there for well over an hour just kissing and talking and we walked back to my car holding hands and he looks at me and says "I was not expecting this." And he kissed me again. I went home floating on air and promptly messaged my closest friends telling them how amazing the date had been. It was simple, no BS, no drama. And I had loved every second of it.

 Well we continued to go out on dates. He has a very demanding job which makes him travel a lot and he told me that he would have to. I don't have an issue with this. My philosophy on relationships and dating is simply this: If we are going on dates but we haven't had the "What are we?" Talk, then we are both free to play the field. But we are dating even if we aren't exclusive. And once we have that talk and we decide to move forward, I say that the other people we are seeing go away and I'm loyal to that one person- cut and fucking dry. He told me in November that he would be gone for most of December. And I told him simply that I'd miss him while he was gone. We continued seeing each other through November and towards the time he was about to leave, I asked him... see we'd been going out for nearly two months. Seeing each other around once a week when he was home if not more. He met tons of my friends and some people whom I consider adopted parents. They all liked him. I liked him. I told him I liked him a lot. And despite his work taking him away frequently, he always stayed in touch and made me feel wanted even when he wasn't around, which is more than I can say for some of my exes. Anyways... We were standing by my car outside of the gym. He came to work with me. I'm tentatively getting ready for a fight and he wanted to learn some Jiu-Jitsu. We got finished and we were saying goodbye and making out a little by my car and it was quiet between us. I don't know what he was feeling but I was tense. He's smart and perceptive, I'm sure he knew I had something on my mind... well I finally just fucking said something. My words to him were "So... when do I get to tell my friends I have a boyfriend?" Because I wanted to keep it light. Because I wanted him to know where my head was at. AND HE SHRUGGED. A non-committal shrug. But he quickly justified, saying his job was going to keep him for nearly a month and he wanted to wait. I understood that. But I was, admittedly, disappointed. I've had a string of shitty ass guys until he came along. I thought he was different. Turns out he was just gonna hurt me in a different way.

 I feel that I was up front about what I do. But the fact of the matter is I haven't had anything further than a hook-up since I started seeing this guy. Meaningless, No strings attached stuff. I am certain that he knows how I am. At the beginning, there were other guys I was kind of seeing but I started cutting off the ones I was losing interest in. My attention shifted to the one guy and I was accepting how happy he made me. He left for his work after Thanksgiving but we stayed in touch- texting each other almost daily. This brings me to my introduction- where shit hit the fan. Where he told me we weren't dating and I wasn't allowed to say that. First of all, would you not call going on dates and being romantic "Dating"? I understand how he misunderstood what I meant. But goddamn... He texts me "We need to talk" and then "You can't post stuff like that. We aren't dating."

 I told him that he should call me as soon as he got done with work. He said okay and we didn't communicate after that. About... I'd say fifteen minutes later, I get a Messenger request from a girl who's only mutual friend on Facebook with me is this guy, asking me how I know him. I chatted with her for a while and found out that he had started seeing her about a month after he started seeing me. I was unsure what the think. I ran through a million scenarios as I drove to the house of one of my best friends and told her everything. Then he called me.

 There was a lot of silence and my heart was in my throat. He told me that the whole situation was his fault and that he thought he knew what he was doing. He told me that he liked me a lot but his last relationship ended badly because of his work. That his work was going to keep him booked for the next few months and that he didn't want to start anything until he was sure. All of that I can agree with... except to the part where he lied to me. I don't see, as a moral person, how he could hold me and kiss me and take me on dates and text me and call me baby and in the back of his mind know he has someone else he's doing the same things with. And to top it off she even kind of looks like me. The fact that I hear about him dating another girl from the girl, who clearly also thought she was the only one too, pissed me off so much, and it hurt. I told him we had a lot more to talk about when he got home. What we said to each other couldn't be said in text... it needed to at least be over the phone, so I can hear his voice. But talking on the phone felt wrong. I told him to think about what he has to say to me and to let me clear my head and do the same. I told him he was going to talk to me when he got home and he agreed.

 After we got off the phone he sent me a text saying "I'm sorry. This doesn't mean it has to be over. I guess we just have to wait and talk. Try not to worry about it. I'll see you soon." I'm hurt and confused and I honestly don't know what to make of any of this. The girl messaged me for a while and tried to get me to confront him and get mad. I think she wanted me to look crazy but I told him straight up, "Hey so... I didn't want to leap down your throat until you had a chance to tell me where you are at but... after you messaged me that we needed to talk, I got a messenger request from a girl... and the only mutual friend we had was you. And she made it seem like she thought she was the only one you were seeing." I was, in my opinion, calm, collected. I have a temper, but this wasn't the time for it. I told him I was disappointed and upset. I reminded him that I had been dating other people, but told him too that after time went on, he was starting to gain more and more of my attention. And that if he'd been up front about him seeing another girl I wouldn't have been upset. He told me that his concerns were that he works a lot and far away and that he has decisions to make on life and everything and I told him I never wanted him or anyone to make a decision based on someone else, especially not me. But he's gone away for work and as we moved forward I missed him more and more but it made the time we had together sweeter. He said he thought he was annoying me when he would have to move times, days, or cancel entirely on planned dates. But I told him if he thought that was a concern he should have talked to me. I'm an extremely laid back sort of person which I think is why this situation was able to go. I told him that I have my own life to live and that he has his and I like him and want what is best for him. He restated over and over that he knew it was his fault that this whole thing happened.

 I guess my whole irritation with all of this is the fact that... with the last three guys I have been with, the problems I had with the guys weren't because of me. And I don't mean to sound like I always think I'm the innocent party... I evidently LOVE to pick out the damaged guys. The ones who got fucked up or fucked over by other chicks and I'm just about sick of it. Two guys prior I was with a guy who had a dead girlfriend. And he said that he wasn't ready to date again because he was still dealing with that. And I got it. We were physical. That's it. It ended, I moved on. Then the guy who had a girlfriend. Well we ended because of the girlfriend, but he told me that before, he'd been engaged to a girl who broke his heart by cheating on him after they got engaged. This guy said his work ended the relationship and she had been at fault. I can understand that. When he's gone, he was always good about texting me a few times, even if it was just "Good morning" or "Good night." Small gestures that made me know he cared, at least a little bit. So if her problem was not feeling wanted, she was blind. But what pisses me off the most is that with all three of these guys, I feel like when they were with me, they were seeing their history- their past and track record. I guess because of how I am with people, how I interact or deal with situations, I take each person at face value. I'm quick to trust, slow to forgive and easy to talk to I feel. But the guys I have been with don't see that or are too wrapped up in their past to see the future in front of them. To give a new girl the same chance the one who fucked him up got. And I know that some might say that that's just a good way to get hurt again. But in my mind, I feel like if any three of those guys took ME at MY face value, they'd see that I'm fucking great. And no girl, not just me, should think otherwise. I'm fucking great and I deserve the best. Because I do. Because I know my worth and if a guy doesn't see that then I don't need him. I just want them to see ME instead of HER or the Ex or whatever. If you fuck me over, don't expect a "clean" break. But I'm so blunt that anything but brutal honesty is a little hard for me to swallow. I'm an "All out in the open" kind of gal and it's hard I guess to expect that from someone.

 I know some day my stars will align. I love being in a relationship- to have someone to care about. It gives me ambition to do better. I'm always healthier when I'm in a relationship. Not for him, but for us. If I could go back, there's lots of things I would do differently for sure... things I would say that would prevent whatever dramas drove me and so and so apart. And maybe HE isn't the one. I was just hoping he was.

 I don't know after this if I can trust him, nor can I say if my future will have him in it. He's the funniest, sweetest, and honestly the best fit person for me. He's ambitious, and I knew about two weeks ago that I was slowly falling for him. I don't like to get too tied up in emotions but I couldn't help it with him. He's so damn handsome and when I would think about him, I wanted him. He wouldn't even touch me at first without kind of in a silent way asking permission. And if we end up splitting, my world will be just a bit darker without him. He seemed like my silver lining because I'm just out of two bad shipwrecks. He actually took me on real dates and met my friends and my friends liked him. But the fact that he could be so cool and so quiet about having someone else in another city pissed me off and hurt me more than I can say. I can only hope that our in person chat will clear the air for both of our sakes.